Meet our writers

 







Technology June 2017

Now What?

By Stephen Wunderli

OK, so my first date with Alexa was going pretty well. We were talking, and I was feeling better. The more the merrier, right? So I brought Siri and Google into the conversation.

Enough with the light show. What can Alexa really do for me?

“Alexa, play music from ‘The Magnificent Seven.’ ”

Short pause.

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember that movie.”

That’s the answer I would expect since Alexa is only a few years old and probably never played the original sound track to get her courage up before a first date.

So what should I do with Alexa, the sexy-voiced know-it-all without a body, on our first date?

Well for starters, walking around in my robe talking to my house would warrant a therapist, so I laid down on the couch and started talking: “Well Alexa, I believe I still have emotional scars about not making the football team in high school. Could that be the reason I only took easy classes in college, you know the ones I could pass?”

“Looking up college football teams in your area.”

Me: “Well my time for that was up years ago.”

“The time is 8:10 a.m.”

Me: “I know how to read a clock. I’m just wondering if maybe I would have been a better husband all these years if I didn’t have so much animosity for my old coach.”

“Here are life coaches in your area.”

Me: “Not interested. I can’t do the duck-walk anymore, and I’m sure as heck not going to do pull ups or burpees.”

“The best way to burp a baby is to tap lightly between its shoulders with three fingers.”

OK, so my first date with Alexa was going pretty well. We were talking, and I was feeling better. The more the merrier, right? So I brought Siri and Google into the conversation.

Me: “Hey Siri, ask Google what Alexa’s best features are.”

And just like that the room was filled with blabbering voices going on about bandwidth, high school night courses, guacamole, the weather in France, and what to do about a yeast infection. It sounded like Christmas at my in-laws. Funny at first, then it gets annoying.

Me: “OK, all of you, be quiet.”

“Alexa started it.”

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

Me: “That’s it. Party’s over, I’m going for a walk. When I get back you all better be done with this nonsense.”

I walked around the block. Brad, my neighbor across the street heard the ruckus and asked if I had company. “Not for long, I answered. They’re going out with the trash.”

The look he gave me was pretty funny, but nothing compared to the trash man when he heard three voices arguing over Bill Belichick’s body odor and the nearest tire store. The batteries on those things last forever.

 

Stephen is a 30-year veteran writer of articles, ads, and children’s books. Like everyone else born before computers, he’s wondering what the big deal is with technology.